FYI: Today is Halloween

So, why was beggars' night last night? This town is messed up. I was home early, for once, and I was typing away on my computer when the doorbell rang. It was my 4-month-old goddaughter, dressed in a monkey suit, accompanied by her mom. What I suddenly realized was that while I do not like monkeys dressed as people, I do like people dressed as monkeys. Especially baby people dressed as baby monkeys.

As I stood in the doorway, gushing over the unbearable cuteness of this baby and wondering, "Is tonight beggars' night?" a smallish vampire climbed my stoop and rang the bell. My friend was laughing at me because I was panicking. I had nothing in the house suitable for a trick-or-treater. I quickly ran through the options: a handful of chocolate chips? an ancient throat lozenge? a butternut squash?

I said to the boy and his mother, "I'm sorry, we just got home and aren't ready for trick-or-treaters yet." I don't know why I used the royal "we." I guess I thought it would make me seem like less of a loser if I didn't have to own this oversight all on my own. The woman gave me a scornful look--the kind that communicates disgust over failure to comply with basic social norms; the kind of look you reserve for someone who cuts in line or picks their nose in public. I wanted to yell, "You're the freak, lady! You're all freaks! It's not even Halloween!"

This problem happened last year as well, and I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing my Spanish professor colleague's kids again, so I quick like called Mr. Banality and ordered him to bring home candy. Which he did. But he didn't buy fun size Snickers or those super sticky peanut butter candies that come wrapped in black and orange paper and pull out your teeth if you attempt to chew them or even (*shudder*) Smarties. He bought Werther's Original butterscotch candies. One bag was in the sugar-free version. Another was coffee flavored. Apparently, I am married to a senior citizen.

I did get a kick out of the sugar-free Werthers because they have a warning on the back that "excessive consumption may have a laxative effect." And I secretly liked thinking about greedy little kids excessively consuming them and facing the consequences.

This little evil streak that I have when it comes to trick-or-treaters comes from my bitterness about beggars' night around here. Honestly, I think that the trick-or-treaters around these parts are lazy little bastards. I believe this because in my neighborhood, when I was a kid, you had to tell a joke before you'd get your treat. Most kids used the tried and true jokes they'd heard on a local TV station's cartoon show, Duane and Floppy. Between Warner Brothers cartoons, children in the studio audience would stand in line to tell jokes to Floppy, a dog puppet, and Duane Elliott, a man with long sideburns and wide lapels who had his hand stuck inside the dog puppet. There were two jokes that were popular on the show:

Why did the man put the car in the oven? Because he wanted a hot rod.

and

What's the biggest pencil in the world? Pennsylvania.

Thus, those became the most popular jokes on beggars' night. Those were the days, I'm telling you. Safety be damned. Forget about reflective clothing and trick-or-treating only at familiar houses. And kids wore those plastic clown and princess masks that completely obstructed their vision and made them sweat profusely--the masks with the little hole by the mouth that children couldn't resist sticking their toungues through repeatedly, making them look like mental patients on too much Thorazine. The masks often made it impossible to actually understand the joke, but the content was predictable, so the interaction often went like this:

CHILD: Buh thlth mm bd crrn ih vnn?
PERSON AT DOOR: I don't know. Why?
CHILD: Bcz huh wntd hr od!
PERSON AT DOOR: HA! HA! A hot rod! That's a good one! Here you go--take a couple. I really like your completely black costume. I didn't even see you as you were crossing the street to come over here!

If I have kids, they'll tell jokes on beggars' night. And people will think they're weird, I'm sure, but how could they not turn out weird anyway, what with a parent who doesn't have a supply of candy ready for trick-or-treaters on October 30th?