Yeah, I'm procrastinating

But the papers! Ugh! They are sooo not enjoyable to read. Things I have learned today:

1. Feeding squirrels is more fun than grading research proposals.
2. Doing dishes? Also more fun than grading research proposals.
3. The people who work at the natural food store need to take it easy on the patchouli skin care products. I do not like patchouli-flavored flour tortillas.
4. Next year, I will work harder to help students understand that random does not mean haphazard. The word random has been completely bastardized by popular culture.
5. The guy who lives across the street is apparently really mad at the snow drift in front of his driveway. Or maybe he's mad at the individual who suggested that he go outside and get rid of the snow drift. Hmmm.

And one more thing: Mr. Banality will take something to the office potluck on Monday. It needs to be equal in impact to last year's dish (circus peanut salad), so the pressure is on. He's chosen a sandwich spread recipe from his hometown church's cookbook. It's made from five hard-boiled eggs, sweet pickle relish, pimentos, cheese (the recipe calls for Velveeta, but they don't make an organic version, so he's going to use cheddar), and . . . peanut butter. Add mayonnaise if it's too dry. I'll wait while you retch.

The recipe was contributed by a woman named Leota, but her nickname was Poodie. They just don't make nicknames like they used to, you know?

And speaking of cookbooks, I received one last week in the mail. I do public speaking things from time to time, mostly to service clubs, red-hat ladies, and adult Sunday school classes. They usually pay for my mileage. A women's club from a neighboring small town gave me their cookbook as a thank you gift. This community is the kind that isn't familiar with difficulties in planning holiday gatherings because everyone lives in the same town and most people are related to each other somehow. This might explain why the cookbook contains multiple recipes for the same things: tapioca salad, Oriental salad, pistachio salad, vodka slush (life must get rough in this little town), Mexican lasagna. The recipes use lots of Cool Whip, Miracle Whip, Velveeta, and marshmallows. My favorite "salad" recipe in this book (Cookie Salad) includes vanilla pudding, buttermilk, Cool Whip, fudge striped cookies, and bananas. And this is salad because . . . it contains fruit? Doesn't this seem like a salad an eight-year-old would create with a friend while raiding the refrigerator after school? I don't know, but I'm surprised that this particular community hasn't been completely wiped out by Type 2 diabetes and cardiovascular disease. Oh, and my talk was about changing health-related behaviors.

Maybe I'll have a dinner party sometime and use only recipes from this book. Simple Champagne-Looking Punch (or vodka punch for the lushes in the group), Snickers salad, Touchdown Taco Dip, Diet Coke chicken, cheesy potatoes--and for dessert, Oreo Balls. Let me know if you'd like an invite.