the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy blogger

Bullet points. My apologies.

• I gave my first pop quiz yesterday. Ever. I had never given a pop quiz before. I wish people would just write, "Yeah, I didn't read the assignment, so I have no idea," instead of using the strategy of writing as many smart-sounding words as possible and hoping that something is right. In response to the question, "How do experiments enable a researcher to focus on the possible effects of one or more factors?" one student answered, "Experiments can help the researcher(s) to see any possible effects that they have observed. These effects can show what caused the experiment to turn out the way it did." Nice try, young Skywalker, but your Jedi mind tricks do not work on me. I especially like how he included the (s) at the end of researcher to try to convince me that the answer was correct.
• One of the international students I work with (he's from Japan) was wearing a great jacket/shirt thingy today. It was black and had passants on the shoulders. Passants! The fabric was pinstriped and had patches of snakeskin print and crazy zippers with cut-out crosses on the zipper pulls. If the US male students would show this kind of innovative fashion sense, I might be able to remember them as individuals rather than referring to all of them as "Kyle."
• When I am not in class, I'm in my office. This is fine with me because I don't like people much (present company excluded). But this also means I do not keep up on the personal lives of people in my department (or anywhere else), and I don't know the latest institutional political goings-on, so if you ask me about them, it's likely that I will give you a blank stare.
• Clementines are delightful. Dried out clementines are not.
• I possess a deep hatred of teaching two sections of our intro class all spread out with one in the wee hours of the morning and one at the groggy post-lunch hour. I'd rather do them both in the morning, three and a half hours of back-to-back intro-level excitement. This is really bothering me this semester. Probably more than it should.
• When I have back-to-back meetings with students, the little bits of time in between can be used to write a blog entry. They probably also could be used to grade papers, prepare for the next day's class, work on a manuscript, etc., but I only know about the blog writing.
• It is 450 degrees in my office. You could bake a frozen pizza in here. Thus, I have my window open. There's a guy whose office is down the hall from me who is using a space heater because his office is cold.
• Mr. Banality and I choose pseudonyms when we play Scrabble. Last night, Morgan Freeman was kicking Cynthia's ass. I was Morgan Freeman.
• I would like to spend less time in my office, not only because of the sweat lodge atmosphere, but because I would like to die without people saying, "Wow, she worked a lot." And also, while I am alive, I would like to do more than just work a lot.

Hi, Kiwanis!

My mom is a songwriter. Actually, she used to write songs; I'm not sure if she still does or not. She wrote inspirational music with her friend, Margo. Someone else actually recorded a couple of them on their album--if I get a chance, I'll post a picture of the album cover for you because the big glasses and monster sideburns are pretty freakin' awesome.

My mom performed these songs as well. She was part of a group called Servants of the Savior, and they traveled around to various churches to perform. The women wore matching, velvety full-length dresses, and the men wore matching leisure suit separates. While you're under the hot lights in a church sanctuary, singing about being saved by the blood of the Lamb, you might as well do it in the comfort of synthetic fabrics.

I was roped into singing with the group a few times. Margo's daughter, who was five at the time, had a part in one of the songs--everyone knows that a kid ups the emotional impact of any song (e.g., "Enter Sandman"). However, little Danni was scared to sing on her own, so they convinced me to sing along with her. I don't remember how old I was at the time, but I know I was old enough to be humiliated by the experience of singing "I Believe in Jesus, Mommy" with a five-year-old, the two of us in matching pinafores, for the Lions' Club pancake supper in the basement of the Farmers' Savings Bank. Later, we sang the song on an AM Christian radio station's Saturday morning program, which I'm sure roughly four people heard.

The Servants of the Savior traveled to Illinois for one church performance. I don't remember if I sang with them or not, but I did have to go to the church's strange and foreign Sunday school class. The teacher asked me to recite one of the 10 Commandments.

"Um . . . don't kill?"

That response was followed by gales of laughter from the other students and the teacher. Apparently, I didn't recite the exact words that God wrote down with his Sharpie in the King James Version of the Bible. I was traumatized. The only other thing I remember from that trip was that we rode in an RV and I had motion sickness (for pretty much any story that involves me riding in an RV, bus, ferry, or back of a station wagon, that's how the story ends).

My mom was commissioned to write a song for a Kiwanis Club's silver anniversary celebration. As was the case with most of the songs she wrote, she practiced this song a lot. I didn't attend the celebration, but apparently, the song was very well received. And when I meet someone from Ankeny or hear someone mention Ankeny, which happened to me just today, the song plays in my head. On repeat.

Hi, Kiwanis of Ankeny/Happy quarter century/look at where you've been/look at what you've done/and it's been a lot of fun . . . etc.

Yes, they paid her for that. I have to hand it to her--it is a catchy little song.

And speaking of music, Okkervil River has posted a free "mixtape" on their website. It's a set of live covers, and although they do not do a cover of "I Believe in Jesus, Mommy," you should still check it out.

I'm drowning . . .

. . . in the minutiae of my craft. I genuinely enjoy my job, and I'm thankful for that. However, I have so much "piddly work" (as my mother would say) that some days I feel like I've worked all day and accomplished nothing. I'm getting better at this thing called "delegating," but there are only so many things that work study students and research assistants can do.

I have four classes on Tuesdays. Three of them are an hour and forty minutes long, and the other one is 50 minutes (I never even knew this time slot existed before this semester). That's a lot of time spent interacting with people and attempting to put words together to make coherent sentences.

Also, I think I need glasses.

Maybe it's time for a mid-life crisis. Is January a good time to get a sweet deal on a convertible?

Today at the plastic surgeon's office

The ENT I saw today for my hearing loss specializes in plastic surgery. This means that the waiting room does not contain issues of Newsweek, Parents, and Highlights. It has Vogue. The waiting room also has fancy upholstered chairs and Restylane posters everywhere.

The audiologist's exam room was less glamorous. It was the size of a closet, and most of it was taken up by the soundproof booth I sat in. Every time she opened the door to the booth, she had to place her hand on the diploma hanging on the wall so the door wouldn't smash the frame's glass. The audiologist was all business and explained practically nothing, which was fine because, as you might expect, I had Googled the hell out of "hearing test" and "audiogram" the night before.

The testing was nerve-wracking. I kept thinking about signal detection tables and wondering if the slight beeping I heard was real or imagined. And if I barely heard something, should I consider it heard? There also was a bone oscillator involved (it vibrates your skull to bypass the middle ear), and I had to repeat words uttered by the audiologist and also a recorded voice (the recorded voice had an accent--Virginia perhaps?).

In the end, the audiologist showed me my audiogram, which showed moderate hearing loss in my left ear and mild hearing loss in my right ear. The bone oscillator results showed less severe loss, which indicates that my inner ear is working OK, and that all suggests middle ear problems. From a practical perspective, this means if you're speaking at normal conversational volume, I'm fine, but if you're trying to be discreet, I won't hear you. The audiologist said that I'm a good lip-reader. It certainly doesn't seem like it to me.

Then I met with the ENT in one of his freaky Botox exam rooms (granite countertops, one reclining exam chair). He was actually quite personable--if I'm ever in the market for brow lift, I'll consider him. My assumption was correct: I (quite likely) have otosclerosis. There was a nanosecond long discussion about hearing aids, but Dr. 90210 quickly moved on to the topic of surgery. One of the nurses (her nametag said "Trisha, RN." Just the one name. Like Charo.) called the Superfantastic University hospital in Funky University Town to hook me up toute de suite with a surgeon to discuss a STAPEDECTOMY. If I go through with this surgery, I'll have my stapes (that's the stirrup for those of you who last studied the middle ear in 6th grade) removed (possibly obliterated by a LASER), and then a prosthesis will be inserted. The prothesis will probably be titanium. Sweet.

I am so impatient to do something about this. It's frustrating when you can't hear the quips your very witty friends make, and if you ask them to repeat them, it just kills the comedic timing. During those interactions, I feel like people must think I'm (a) clueless, (b) too dense to understand their jokes, or (c) humorless. Last semester, one student yelled his answer at me after I had asked him to repeat it three times. (I don't feel so bad about this--he ended up failing the course.)

That's your banality for today, folks.

get behind me so I can love you

So, the Iowa caucuses are over. Two years ago, I was the caucus chair for my precinct. Did you know that they do caucuses in non-presidential election years? Apparently not many people knew that year--there were three people in attendance. The event was held in a large room at a retirement home, and they had a podium and microphone and the works all set up for me. The caucus attendee who was neither Mr. Banality nor I was one of our elected officials. She left after signing in and dropping off some campaign materials. Even though it was just Mr. Banality and I, I went through all of the official procedures because I'm compliant like that. Then I pretended that I was a Holiday Inn lounge singer for a while. Then we went home.

Last night I watched the returns and post-caucus speeches before going to bed, so my dreams were filled with change and hope and that cryptic thing that Mike Huckabee said about "not hating those who are in front of us, but loving those who are behind us." I admit that I hadn't heard any of Huckabee's stump speeches, and during his caucus victory speech, I was terribly distracted by the glare of Chuck Norris' ridiculously white teeth, but WTF? If you're going to create an inspirational catch phrase, it should be one that's relatively easy to figure out. That one just made me think of being in the check-out line at Hy-Vee. Don't hate on the people in front of you in line because maybe they've got something in their cart that won't scan and they'll have to do a price check on it or maybe they really, really want to use correct change and they know they have it but just can't find it right now or maybe they realize that they've forgotten to pick up fancy ice, and you know you can't have a fantastic party without the fancy ice. And you definitely need to love the people behind you in line because you have the knowledge that you'll be out of the store sooner than they will, and you pity them for that.


When I was in high school, my hometown (pop. 1400) had a slogan contest. The submissions were supposed to communicate that the town was small, friendly, and progressive (one truth in there at least). My suggestion was Mitchellville: Future Home of Today's Ideas. You know, like the sign at a construction site: "Future Home of Security State Bank." That kind of thing. I won second place, which included the prize of 48 sticks of teriyaki flavored beef jerky, 2 pounds of lemonade mix, and a gift certificate for Four Seasons Beauty Shop, which catered to "mature" women. You could smell the perm solution from the street. My point is that my high school self probably could have come up with something less confusing than "not hating those who are in front of us, but loving those who are behind us."

Oh, and the winning submission from the slogan contest? Mitchellville: Small, Friendly, Progressive. Really.

A Meme! How original!

Meme refers to a piece of cultural information that gets passed from one person to another. The term was created by Richard Dawkins. A meme can be a song, a catch-phrase, some kind of technology, etc. Useful memes survive to be passed on to others; useless ones die out. They mutate, blah, blah, you get it.



In the blogosphere, a meme is an entry topic that gets passed from one blogger to another. Usually memes are questionnaires that basically serve as blog small-talk. The blogger then "tags" other bloggers, encouraging them to complete the meme as well. Incidentally, if you ever give a talk about blogs and include this particular form of meme in the presentation, be prepared: the old philosophy professor will get fussy and say that you are using the term incorrectly. And even if you say that it's not you who developed this use of the term, he will be obnoxious about it.



Anyway, from an impression management perspective, memes are important because they allow the blogger to reveal mundane and/or personal things about himself or herself without appearing self-absorbed. The blogger isn't providing this information because s/he assumes that readers will find it riveting--the blogger was tagged by someone else.



So, here's a meme for the new year. I read it on someone else's blog. And you know what? I was not tagged. This is a completely unsolicited meme. I know. I'm conceited.



1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? Performed jazz in front of a bunch of (very supportive) people.



2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Last year I resolved to spend less time working. I did. I have made more resolutions for 2008. I will not reveal them here.


3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My friends, Penni & John, had a lovely baby girl, and I’m her fairy godmother.


4. Did anyone close to you die? No, but I found out a couple weeks ago that a friend from jazz camp died. I had lunch with him several times, and I liked him a lot. He was very kind to me and seemed like a great person. We talked a lot about his work as a school nurse.



5. What countries did you visit? Just the US



6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?? More get-up-and-go.


7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I couldn’t even tell you the specific dates, but I would say the day of my tenure interview, the reunion weekend, the week we spent in Maine, the week of jazz camp, and my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary party definitely stand out. June 13th is when my god daughter was born.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I suppose I should say the tenure thing, but it was really the singing thing.


9. What was your biggest failure? Geez. Let’s not focus on the negative here . . .


10. Did you suffer illness or injury? My IT band decided to be chronically irritated when I ran. Also, I lost a lot of hearing in my left ear over the course of the past four or five months. But really not much suffering took place.



11. What was the best thing you bought? This one’s easy: The Viva.



12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My friends. It takes me a long time to make good friends, and I have wonderful friends who live far away but are willing to keep in touch. And I’ve made great friends here now, and they’re some of my favorite people in the world.



13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? This is a double-barreled question—someone’s behavior might have made me appalled, but not depressed or vice versa. I’ll answer the question anyway. Generally, people who don’t seem to give any thought to how their actions influence others make me sad.



14. Where did most of your money go? The stuff of daily living: mortgage payment, groceries, etc.


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Seeing old friends.



16. What song will always remind you of 2007? Lots. Catch Hell Blues (The White Stripes), anything from Wincing the Night Away (The Shins), Spring Can Really Hang You Up the Most (Irene Kral), Twin Cinemas (The New Pornographers), Pilo Erect (March Fourth Marching Band), Dakar (John Coltrane), Half Asleep (Hem). Many others. Also, Have You Met Old Jones and Midnight Sun.


17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? a) happier b) same c) richer, in more ways than one



18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Running. Practicing.



19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Work. Worrying .



20. How did you spend Christmas? With Mr. Banality’s family. It was insane, but fun.



21. Did you fall in love in 2007? Yes.



22.What political issue stirred you the most? You know, four years ago, I got involved in politics because I thought it was the right thing to do, even though I had no interest in it. That experience reaffirmed my disinterest in it. But I do get worked up about agricultural issues.


23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Yikes. I'm not a hater. Someone who was really difficult is now out of my life, though, and it’s a very, very good thing.


24. What was the best book you read? I loved This is Your Brain on Music by Daniel Levitin, and I enjoyed The Golden Compass (now a major motion picture!) by Philip Pullman.


25. What was your greatest musical discovery? I really, really like the Shins. There’s something about that music that makes me lightheaded (in the best way possible).


26. What did you want and get? Band-in-a-Box, which I haven’t used in a while.


27. What did you want and not get? This shirt. Seriously. I love it.






(Oh, crap. I should have said a baby. That didn’t even cross my mind. Does that mean I'm not fit to be a parent?)

28. What was your favorite film of this year? I didn’t see many movies, but I did like The Golden Compass. Fabulous costumes. And the armored bear! If I knew an armored bear, I’m sure that I would be his BFF.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 38. As for what I did . . . I don’t remember!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More courage.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? Same as 2006—skirt, boots, tights, jacket, occasional sweater, fabulous bag made my Mr. Banality.

32. What kept you sane? Mr. Banality is the new Abilify.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? No one in particular.

34. Who did you miss? Justine & Sandy. Anna & Len.

35. Who was the best new person you met? There are some cool new faculty members. Also, Rod, my accompanist at jazz camp. (I know . . . again with the jazz camp)


36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007. I'm not sure who "us" is given that no one tagged me for this meme, but here's the lesson: anxiety can be a useful warning signal that something bad is about to happen, but for me, it usually just means that I’m doing something worthwhile.


37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. “If you go lookin’ for hot water, don’t act shocked when you get burned a little bit.” Actually, I don’t think that sums up the year at all, but it’s the only lyric that comes to mind right now.


Tag your damned self, if it suits you.

Happy 2008

I've been thinking about 2008 for so long now that I have a hard time thinking about it as the new year. Part of it is a work-related thing--I tend to think about academic years, so this is 2007-2008. The other part of it relates to a major life event I had assumed would occur in 2008, although now it looks like that won't happen for another two years. Not to say that acquiring the Viva wasn't a major life event, but, you know.

We hosted a party last night. Although the guests left before 2:00, I stayed up until 5:00 because that's how I roll. And also, I was afraid that if I went to bed too soon after consuming multiple martinis, the room would spin. So, I'm tired today, which is my lame excuse for this half-assed blog entry:

• If you host a New Year's Eve party, it's really good to have a crazy Greek dude there who will drink lots of shots and tell your fortune for you.
• I appreciate 80's music, but I don't miss it.
• Mr. Banality is hung over. Wanna know how I know this? He's taking a nap. For real.
• I have "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" by John Mayer running through my head. Why? I don't know.
• Bobby Flay, you convinced me that flatbread with white bean hummus and carmelized onions would be a good idea, but it wasn't so great. And now I have a bunch of leftover not-so-great flatbreads with white bean hummus and carmelized onions in my refrigerator. You're a jerk, Bobby Flay.
• You know you've had a good party when you get some good quotes out of it. My favorite: I'm workin' the little smokies.
• Party hats and horns really do make things more festive.
• Yesterday I hit a squirrel in the head with a walnut. The impact caused a hideous thunking sound. The squirrel took the walnut and ran off. I was worried that although the squirrel seemed fine at the time, it would later become disoriented and drop dead due to traumatic brain injury. Mr. Banality has been trying to reassure me by explaining that the squirrel's brain is so small that if the walnut had caused serious damage, the squirrel would have died immediately. Also, squirrels get hit in the head with walnuts all the time and suffer no ill effects. I'm feeling more optimistic about this squirrel's prognosis.
• Mr. Banality and I usually have a pretty empty refrigerator. This is probably because I hate to cook and he's not a picky eater (e.g., yesterday he finished the leftover "sandwich spread"). Now we have a refrigerator full of leftover party food that we'll be eating for weeks on end. So, if you drop by for lunch, be prepared to have baked brie with cranberries and several dozen tiny smoked sausages smothered in barbecue sauce. And regardless of what you'll be drinking, you'll be having a lime wedge in it. Because I have several thousand of them sitting in a ziploc baggie in my produce drawer.
• Does anyone know a recipe that uses leftover champagne? I'm sure there's a champagne jell-o salad out there somewhere. Oh, wait, I know a recipe: it's called a mimosa. That workshop on Friday morning might be more tolerable than I originally thought.
• Mr. Banality is up from his nap and is now on the treadmill in the basement. I'm not sure, but I think he might be an android.