A lame vacation post

Last week, I went to The Mall of America. As I walked through Nordstrom, surrounded by older women in $80 capri pants with severe bobs and suspiciously tight facial skin (this is the clientele you get at Nordstrom at 10:00 a.m. on a Wednesday--well, this and the flip-flop-wearing college professor who really needs a haircut), it occurred to me that if I could travel three hours to go to the Mall of America, I could certainly travel three hours to see my sister, whom I hadn't visited in two years. Also, Mr. Banality needed a break. Seriously.

So, we headed to lovely northwest Iowa to see my sister and her husband at the winery/buffalo farm where they live. We arrived on Friday afternoon and hung out with my sister while one of their employees minded the tasting room. This employee, whose name is Billie, is in her sixties and, according to my sister, sells a "hell of a lot of wine." This is probably because, unlike the members of my family, Billie is extraverted and charming. She flirts with the men and refers to each woman as "this lovely lady." Also, she's from Australia, and her accent only seems to increase her appeal. Of course for me, her accent only seemed to increase my craving for a bloomin' onion and a Foster's, but, you know. That's just me.

That evening we went to Sanborn, Iowa, where my sister and brother-in-law held a wine tasting event for the Sanborn Historical Preservation Society, which was trying to raise money to renovate their Carnegie Library building. The Sanborn library was built in 1912 and saved from demolition by the good folks of Sanborn in 2006.

This picture was taken before the library had been moved. It currently has no lower level windows and no electricity. The hosts of the event scrambled to put together a sketchy source of electricity via a set of questionable drop cords. Sanborn touts itself as featuring "Big City Conveniences in a Safe, Quiet, Small Town Lifestyle," but I didn't see a sushi place anywhere in Sanborn, so I'm not sure I believe that slogan.

My sister and brother-in-law served up samples of wine in Dixie cups decorated with teddy bears, and Billie (the same Billie from the winery) provided the entertainment, singing classics like "Mack the Knife" and "I Left My Heart in Sanborn's Carnegie Library." I felt a little out of place because my hair did not look like this:

which apparently is the Official Women's Hairstyle of Sanborn, IA.

When things got a little slow, Mr. Banality and I demonstrated our Bronze Level Foxtrot skills, which were a little rusty because we hadn't danced in five years and a little difficult to retrieve from memory because of all of the Dixie cups full of wine.

Unfortunately, we couldn't spend the night at my sister's house because of a certain bitch who also lives in the house and whose dander would probably kill Mr. Banality within minutes. My sister had tried to reserve a room for us at a nearby resort. However, the resort was completely booked for the night, so we stayed at one of these instead:

which was fine.

On Saturday morning, we went for a long run and then decided to forego the "continental breakfast buffet" that consisted of a pile of mini muffins and a plexiglass vat full of wet hard boiled eggs. Instead, we had breakfast at a quaint coffee house in town, where I was able to order my all-time favorite breakfast food:

NOTE: Picture is only representation of actual sausage biscuit consumed.

Then we went back to the winery and helped bottle wine. I put on the foil thingies that go around the top of the bottle--those things that, if opened improperly, can really cut the hell out of your fingers. Although I wasn't great at this task, it was my only option because I couldn't get the labels on right, and I found the pneumatic corking machine to be too frightening.

You might be asking yourself, "Why no pictures of this lovely weekend trip?" Alternatively, you might be asking yourself, "Damn, this is lame. Why am I still reading this?" Regarding the pictures, Mr. Banality and I tend to be bad about taking pictures. Here are the only pictures we took:

Me next to a giant chicken:

The washcloth origami in the motel. For five seconds, I forgot I was staying at a Sleep Inn. But then I remembered when I had to go to the front desk to ask for soap, which the housekeeping staff had neglected to replace (probably due to their intense concentration on the washcloth origami).

By the way, if you're interested in adding a little pizazz to your own bathroom, here's a link to an instructional video:

http://video.about.com/interiordec/Folding-Fancy-Towels.htm

Mr. Banality takes the motel name literally. He is so lazy.

(I woke him up shortly after I took this picture because in addition to being allergic to all things with fur, he is also allergic to feathers, and I worried that a night with his head wrapped in down pillows might have left him dead. It did not.)

In addition to going to The Mall of America, last week I also managed to dump a cup of scalding hot tea on my leg, and the healing process is not so pretty. Mr. Banality bandaged me up real good. This one isn't technically a vacation picture because I took it right after we got home, but whatever.

Ta da!