SO TO KEEP YOUR MOM FROM GRUMBLING, AND STOP YOUR STOMCH RUMBLING, AND KEEP YOUR LEGS FROM STUMBLING WHEN YOU PLAY . . .
The other morning, I put some bread in the toaster and then walked away to do something else. I heard it pop up, and when I went back into the kitchen, it was on the plate I had placed next to the toaster. It was 6:00 a.m., and Mr. Banality was still fast asleep, probably dreaming about riding around in a fuel cell car with President Obama or something. How did this happen? My first hypothesis: toast elves. I knew it couldn't be more general kitchen elves because if we do have kitchen elves, they suck at their jobs because they never do the dishes. To test the possibility of toast elves, the next morning I waited around while the bread was toasting, and I watched the toast as it flew out of the toaster and landed smack dab in the middle of the plate. So, now I know the true cause of this phenomenon: enchanted toaster.

SPEAKING OF EMPIRICAL EVIDENCE
Merrie suggested that perhaps it wasn't the Black Keys that made me want to drink cold beer, but it was the act of grading itself. To test this, I conducted a single-subject, quasi-experimental design study of the effects of music and grading on motivation to drink cold beer in a loud bar. Music type (no-music control, The Black Keys, Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs, and The White Stripes) were completely crossed with grading type (no-grading control, introductory course exams, advanced course book reviews, introductory course assignments, advanced course rough drafts). All grading was conducted during early evening to control for diurnal variation in beer craving. Because motivation to drink cold beer and motivation to be in a loud bar are likely to be orthogonal factors, they were measured using separate self-report scales. RESULTS: Although motivation to drink cold beer remained high during all conditions that involved grading, motivation to be in a loud bar was present only during music-present conditions, and this was especially the case during The Black Keys condition. CONCLUSION: There are never simple answers in social science research. And also, I can't believe how quickly I can write this kind of crap.

IF IT'S TOO LOUD, YOU MIGHT BE GETTING USED TO NEW HEARING AIDS AFTER 20 YEARS OF PROGRESSIVE HEARING LOSS
The advantage: I can hear people talk! The disadvantage: I now know that I've been greatly underestimating the base rate of insipid conversations. I got my hearing aids on Monday. I've had a headache for six days now. I'm very disoriented. And also, damn, those chapel bells are friggin' LOUD.