THE BANALITY CLAIMS HER CALLING

Last week I met with a surgeon at the fancy-pants university hospital. Beforehand, I met with a resident, George F. Harris IV, MD. And Dr. George F. Harris IV and I shared some wonderful teachable moments, and as someone who is fully dedicated to education, I felt compelled to assist him in his training.


Dr. GFH4: OK, so you're (he looks down at my chart) . . . The Banality. And you're 38 years young?


Me:Uh, yes.


Dr. GFH4: Heh. Maybe I shouldn't have put it that way.


Me: I think that probably works better for elderly patients than middle-aged ones.

******LATER*********


Dr. GFH4 (looking at my audiogram): So, what this shows me is that you've got some conductive hearing loss. I'm trusting these squares more than these triangles because the squares represent the mask.


Me: We should probably take a few steps back. This axis (I point to part of the audiogram) represents decibels, and this axis is frequency. The lines are my thresholds. I'm guessing the blue lines represent my left ear and the red represent my right ear and that the lines up here show how I performed when the middle ear was bypassed. You trust the squares because the other ear was masked with static during those parts of the test. Is that right?


Dr. GFH4: Exactly right! You must have had an audiogram done before!


Me: I have, which is good because otherwise I'd have no idea what you're talking about.


Dr. GFH4: That's true. That's a good point. I should've started out by explaining the basics.


What a great relief when I met with the surgeon, who, unlike the resident, understood how tuning forks work (Hey, Dr. George F. Harris IV, if you wait too long, the tuning fork stops vibrating), and didn't poke the hell out of my ear canal with the ear microscope thingy. The surgeon spent at least 20 minutes with me and answered every question I managed to blurt out in quick succession, four-year-old style. Plus, he had actual ear bones in a little plastic box his pocket. I could hardly contain my excitement. Those bones are tiny. When I commented on that, he got really animated and started talking about how the ear has the tiniest bones and the tiniest muscle and the tiniest tendon in the whole body. I have decided that I love this surgeon.

WHY I HEART THE INTERNET: REASON #4 BAZILLION


I'm not getting surgery just yet because there is a 1% chance that something could go wrong and I could completely lose my hearing. I'm going to try hearing aids first. This is all very riveting, isn't it?

I needed to set up a hearing aid fitting appointment with the local ENT. Because I'm incredibly lazy, instead of turning my chair 90 degrees to the right, opening my desk drawer, pulling out the phone book, and looking up the ENT's number, I just Googled it. While I was on hold with the receptionist, I continued to click through the ENT's website. I think I mentioned earlier that he's a plastic surgeon, and I was enjoying checking out the "before" and "after" shots. And there on the page in front of me (but not staring at me because it was a profile shot), was one of my colleagues. And I'll leave it at that because when you know the details, it's not as exciting as you might think.

SHE'S A REJECT, BUT SHE HAS A PROMISING CAREER IN ESPIONAGE

Mr. Banality and I are supposedly adopting a child, but I'll believe it when I see it. Part of the process is an FBI background check. In August of 2006, we took a trip to the federal building in Des Moines to be fingerprinted. The paperwork lasts 18 months, which, at the time, we didn't think about at all because we assumed we'd be finished with the adoption at least 8 to 10 months before the paperwork expired. Yeah. So, we had to go back in January. The technician was not so warm and friendly. She took one look at my fingers and handed me a bottle of CORNHUSKERS' LOTION. I made some joke about a lot of people having dry hands during the winter and especially people who work outside, and she replied, "Well, some people have problems with it." Then she warned me that my fingerprints might not be readable.

I was concerned about how this woman would react to Mr. Banality because he has a somewhat dry sense of humor (he apparently also has somewhat dry hands because she made him use the CORNHUSKERS' LOTION as well). The technician made me return to the waiting area, and I watched from afar as Mr. Banality cracked jokes and Ms. Technician tossed back her head and laughed heartily. Hmmm.

The FBI could not read my fingerprints. No, they couldn't use my prints from last time because I might have altered them since then. You know, on CSI, they can nail someone for a murder with just a few, incomplete, unintentionally-left-behind prints, but the Department of Homeland Security couldn't use the 10 fingerprints I very intentionally gave them after coating my fingertips with CORNHUSKERS' LOTION. I'm beginning to suspect that CSI might not portray some aspects of forensic science in a completely accurate manner.

I went back to the federal building yesterday to go through the process again. I had diligently prepared for this for weeks by slathering my hands with thick hand cream and putting on white cotton gloves each night before getting in bed. This has provided ample opportuniy for mime-related bedtime jokes. I can't get into bed because I'm stuck in a transparent box! Did you know that there's a staircase right next to our bed? Watch as I descend!

When I got to the fingerprinting office, I had to take a number, even though I was the only person there. A newbie did my prints this time, and her supervisor (the charming woman who did my prints before) announced, "She's a reject." Then three workers crowded around to look at my prints and give their opinions about my fingers' various creases. If my prints are unreadable yet again, I'll become a spy for the Soviets. Alternatively, my local law enforcement office can write a letter to the FBI that state that my background check is clean. The upside of the trip is that Mr. Banality and I had some really good pizza, he found a bunch of great toys for his new office, and I acquired one of these babies:

What? It's a work-related expense.

THE BANALITY'S TIME TRAVEL ADVENTURE: A TRIP TO 2008

I haven't been in a Best Buy for at least two years, maybe more, but Mr. Banality needed a portable external hard drive, so we stopped at one on our way home last night. Have you seen TVs lately? They're huge! And flat! And the pictures are so clear! And the iPods these days? They're tiny! I'm embarrassed by my ginormous iPod with its lame black and white screen. Ugh. I also watched some kid play Guitar Hero for a while, and I didn't quite understand the appeal, but then again, I didn't play it myself. I almost said, "I'm waiting for Theremin Hero to come out," but I didn't because just thinking it made me embarrassed for myself.

I'm in the early stages of the flu, with a temperature of 99.something and nasty stuff moving around my upper respiratory system. So, I'm headed back to bed for more feverish dreams. I'm hopeful that this time there will be fewer appearances by Johnny Rzeznik. Wish me luck.